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The parent calls the shots!

The Facilitators' Project

"I am the parent ok!! I call the shots!"


Yes, you are THE parent who has been shouting at, ridiculing and emotionally abusing your boy daily.


His extremely skinny frame and awkward presence are tell-tale signs of how deep the hurt goes. There are no physical bruises anymore, only poor health possibly caused by long term emotional abuse. He is confused by your mixed signals of love and abuse, threading extremely carefully around your presence lest you get triggered.


But calling the police does not seem justified.


"hello police, this lady hurls hurtful words at her kid every day. Today, he has fever and diarrhoea, she is still shouting at him. The mum makes him sit on a chair at her workplace during her shift instead of allowing him to rest comfortably at home because she is afraid that he will not do his homework. It's school holiday and the kid is only 6. She thinks he has to work as hard as she does, no free meal. The kid's grandparents are home to care for the child but the mother is playing the victimised single mother today bringing her kid to work as if no one is supporting her in the care giving. She should be charged for making the child feel himself worthless, shameful and guilty through her self-pity that she consistently drums into her child. So police, can you come to her office now?"


A case not big enough to call the police yet fatal enough to kill the spirit of a child.


I am frustrated.


I agree that no one else, including the state, has the right to tell a parent what to do. I think this is so only if there are two pre-conditions met.


Parenting is challenging and can be downright stressful. Everyone has their own ways of raising a child and there is no specific one right way.


There is however, many validated studies and data that can guide parents who have their child's interest at heart to understand what can help their child to flourish.


Even without referring to external sources of information, parents do have an intuitive inner wisdom to guide them. However, parents can only make sound judgment and reasonable decisions if they have self awareness and emotional regulation (our two pre-conditions).


We often come across parents who feel entitled to their child even as they behave in downright abusive ways. In each of those cases, they all show a clear lack of the two skills. They inadvertently pertuate the cycle of intergenerational trauma and they may not even be aware of it.


I believe that children exist as catalysts to our growth. Parenting is first and foremost about raising your inner child. You can't give a child sufficient love if you have not experienced love. You can't give a child deep rest if you are an activated walking trigger. You can't give a child enough play if you have failed to see the world as your playground.


It takes a village to raise a child. We need to break this cycle and support parents who cannot break out of it by themselves. Our village needs to step up.

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